So, I’ve been stagnant, for a while. I’ve been consumed by grief and couldn’t see beyond it. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to hit my stride, again. Realizing that things can still be okay, in spite of, you know…life. So, I decided to craft a list of small and large goals that I will/am working towards. I was inspired by blogger Mia Moore, who posts small goals, each month. Some of these are things that I should add to my bucket list.
“Cause I have sent for a warrior from on my knees, make me a Hercules. I was meant to be a warrior please make me a Hercules.”
I think there is a part of me that has always wanted to be rescued; have a white knight swoop in to be my hero. I’m ashamed to admit this because I think it is in direct conflict with my staunch feminism, but it isn’t so much about being rescued by a man as it is about having an alternative way to escape. I work hard and have struggled for a long time, so anyone who can provide reprieve would be welcomed with open arms.
I have always felt weak, emotionally and physically. This may contribute to my identifying as a victim and directly impact how I approach life. That’s not to say that I seek sympathy for my past, but I absolutely believe that it has defined my present and once believed that it dictates my future.
It’s hard for me to remain present. I often spend my time planning for the future or thinking of the past. It’s something that I’ve never mastered. I’ve devoted an absurd amount of time to thinking about people that I grew up with. They are people who helped to shape me, but are strangers to me, now.
I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was a child and let me tell you, it is a bitch. Something that I didn’t realize, initially, is that anxiety and guilt are best friends. Much of my anxiety is attached to the notion that I have done something terribly wrong, whether I actually have or not. Incidences of wrongness that I have exhibited in my past continue to haunt me to this day. Something that I remind myself of whenever these memories creep up on me is that the guilt caused by anxiety is fake news.
I have always felt strongly about the state of abused and/or neglected children placed in foster care because my mother was a foster child. I do not know a great deal about her past, but I learned enough from our time together to know that her childhood was incredibly sad. The time she spent with her foster parents, as well as her involvement directly with the system, were the cause of a lot of pain. The only positive aspect of her experience was that she was placed in a home with her sister and I know she was eternally grateful for that because she knew that was/is not the reality for many foster siblings.
May is National Foster Care Month and I’m sure that unless you are part of the community (a foster parent, social worker, child welfare advocate, etc.), you don’t know much about foster care or even the fact that it has been given its own month. National Foster Care Month is designed to increase the visibility of the people and programs working on behalf of the over 400,000 children and youth currently in foster care.
This is a stream of consciousness piece that is typical of how my brain operates, on a daily basis: