It’s hard for me to remain present. I often spend my time planning for the future or thinking of the past. It’s something that I’ve never mastered. I’ve devoted an absurd amount of time to thinking about people that I grew up with. They are people who helped to shape me, but are strangers to me, now.
I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was a child and let me tell you, it is a bitch. Something that I didn’t realize, initially, is that anxiety and guilt are best friends. Much of my anxiety is attached to the notion that I have done something terribly wrong, whether I actually have or not. Incidences of wrongness that I have exhibited in my past continue to haunt me to this day. Something that I remind myself of whenever these memories creep up on me is that the guilt caused by anxiety is fake news.
This is a stream of consciousness piece that is typical of how my brain operates, on a daily basis:
I realized, a few years ago, that keeping my distance from some family members helped to alleviate and/or prevent a great deal of anxiety and stress, but I’m coming to find that even minimal contact can leave me reeling. Some great advice I have received from countless friends has been to just cut these toxic people out of my life, for good, which is far easier said than done (and I should mention that none of these advice-givers are Italian…). So here are some tips for dealing with unavoidable bitches who work so hard to kill your vibe:
Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe: How to Deal With Toxic Family Members
If I leave you it doesn’t mean that I love you any less. Keep me in your heart for a while.
– Warren Zevon
It has been an entire year since we lost Kevin. In fact, today marks one year, exactly. I’ve been so distracted by so many things that I can’t believe an entire year has passed, already. My body has a way of ensuring that I never go without recognizing the awfulness of April; something biological that insists that I grieve, again.