The Dance

My father was a good man. Like all of us, he had his flaws. We disagreed, most times, but he loved us, regardless. He loved us so much and that was something that I never, ever questioned.

If people ever asked me to describe my father, I would always say the same thing: He is my biggest fan. He told me that not pursuing music was a mistake because he believed so much in my talent. I opted for stability, but he knew how much I love(d) to sing and believed in me, far more than I have ever believed in myself.

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Goals

goals

So, I’ve been stagnant, for a while. I’ve been consumed by grief and couldn’t see beyond it. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to hit my stride, again. Realizing that things can still be okay, in spite of, you know…life. So, I decided to craft a list of small and large goals that I will/am working towards. I was inspired by blogger Mia Moore, who posts small goals, each month. Some of these are things that I should add to my bucket list.

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Be Your Own Damn Hero

hero

“Cause I have sent for a warrior from on my knees, make me a Hercules. I was meant to be a warrior please make me a Hercules.”

I think there is a part of me that has always wanted to be rescued; have a white knight swoop in to be my hero. I’m ashamed to admit this because I think it is in direct conflict with my staunch feminism, but it isn’t so much about being rescued by a man as it is about having an alternative way to escape. I work hard and have struggled for a long time, so anyone who can provide reprieve would be welcomed with open arms.

I have always felt weak, emotionally and physically. This may contribute to my identifying as a victim and directly impact how I approach life. That’s not to say that I seek sympathy for my past, but I absolutely believe that it has defined my present and once believed that it dictates my future.

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Love in Past Tense

love past tense

It’s hard for me to remain present. I often spend my time planning for the future or thinking of the past. It’s something that I’ve never mastered. I’ve devoted an absurd amount of time to thinking about people that I grew up with. They are people who helped to shape me, but are strangers to me, now.

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Anxiety and Guilt are Best Friends

a and g pic

I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was a child and let me tell you, it is a bitch. Something that I didn’t realize, initially, is that anxiety and guilt are best friends. Much of my anxiety is attached to the notion that I have done something terribly wrong, whether I actually have or not. Incidences of wrongness that I have exhibited in my past continue to haunt me to this day. Something that I remind myself of whenever these memories creep up on me is that the guilt caused by anxiety is fake news.

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