So, I’ve been stagnant, for a while. I’ve been consumed by grief and couldn’t see beyond it. I’d like to think that I’m beginning to hit my stride, again. Realizing that things can still be okay, in spite of, you know…life. So, I decided to craft a list of small and large goals that I will/am working towards. I was inspired by blogger Mia Moore, who posts small goals, each month. Some of these are things that I should add to my bucket list.
“Cause I have sent for a warrior from on my knees, make me a Hercules. I was meant to be a warrior please make me a Hercules.”
I think there is a part of me that has always wanted to be rescued; have a white knight swoop in to be my hero. I’m ashamed to admit this because I think it is in direct conflict with my staunch feminism, but it isn’t so much about being rescued by a man as it is about having an alternative way to escape. I work hard and have struggled for a long time, so anyone who can provide reprieve would be welcomed with open arms.
I have always felt weak, emotionally and physically. This may contribute to my identifying as a victim and directly impact how I approach life. That’s not to say that I seek sympathy for my past, but I absolutely believe that it has defined my present and once believed that it dictates my future.
It’s hard for me to remain present. I often spend my time planning for the future or thinking of the past. It’s something that I’ve never mastered. I’ve devoted an absurd amount of time to thinking about people that I grew up with. They are people who helped to shape me, but are strangers to me, now.
I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was a child and let me tell you, it is a bitch. Something that I didn’t realize, initially, is that anxiety and guilt are best friends. Much of my anxiety is attached to the notion that I have done something terribly wrong, whether I actually have or not. Incidences of wrongness that I have exhibited in my past continue to haunt me to this day. Something that I remind myself of whenever these memories creep up on me is that the guilt caused by anxiety is fake news.
This is a stream of consciousness piece that is typical of how my brain operates, on a daily basis:
I realized, a few years ago, that keeping my distance from some family members helped to alleviate and/or prevent a great deal of anxiety and stress, but I’m coming to find that even minimal contact can leave me reeling. Some great advice I have received from countless friends has been to just cut these toxic people out of my life, for good, which is far easier said than done (and I should mention that none of these advice-givers are Italian…). So here are some tips for dealing with unavoidable bitches who work so hard to kill your vibe: