Love in Past Tense

It’s hard for me to remain present. I often spend my time planning for the future or thinking of the past. It’s something that I’ve never mastered. I’ve devoted an absurd amount of time to thinking about people that I grew up with. They are people who helped to shape me, but are strangers to me, now.

I had a dream, last night. It was about a boy that I once knew. The dream was so vivid and revealed so much. I think I may have been in love with that boy, at one time. I didn’t know what love was, then. When I realized this, the regret that I felt was palpable. It woke me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. About him. And I haven’t thought of him in years. And in the dream, he loved me, too, and it was perfect.

Perhaps the dream was less about him than it was about the need to find my someone. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of letting me know that I’m finally “ready for love”. Who knows? Whatever the case may be, it stirred so many memories of the amazing people I have had the privilege of knowing, over the years. People who remain friends and integral parts of my life after nearly twenty years of hell and wonder. I hope they know how grateful I am to them for being here, now, and having been with me, then. And to the ones that I have lost in time: I am thankful to have had you in my life for as long as I did.

And to the boy who secretly taught me to love, you deserve the world. It would only be fair considering all that you have given me.

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