I am fearful of time. It is indiscriminate and unstoppable and terrifying. The moments of health and happiness are fleeting. It is the awfulness and pain of life that are constant and permanent.
And now that Christmas, 2015, has come and gone, so has my optimism and holiday spirit. Chuleta’s health has begun to deteriorate very quickly. It’s almost as if it is trying to catch up with her fifteenth birthday, which just passed, by attacking her weak, little, hind legs. I’ve had to carry her, most places, and she has rarely gotten out of bed, save to eat. She is forced outside to use the bathroom and often times, does not make it, so accidents are frequent. This drives me batty, which I’ve mentioned before, and I’m having a hard time accepting it as old age. I don’t know why I am so thick.
So, with 2015 nearing a close, what better time than now to make a resolution? For Chihuahua and myself. Perhaps this will motivate me out of my slump. These are a few of my goals for the coming year:
- Remain present. I have a bad habit of daydreaming. It provides an incredible distraction from the awfulness of daily life. The problem exists that when I snap out of it, I am constantly disappointed because the imagined life and my reality are incredibly distant. My hope is to bring these two existences a bit closer together. Also, daydreaming is an enormous waste of time. And I have wasted too much time.
- Get healthy. Being sick blows. I really have no choice, to be honest, and it’s incredibly difficult without people supporting you the way that you may need, but if I don’t work hard and take advantage of whatever help I *am given, I will quickly spiral downhill.
- Let love in. Suffice it to say, I have been battling countless demons for the majority of my life. I had made a cognitive choice to not date and avoid most social situations until reaching my ideal self. Now, I realize, that my ideal may be an impossibility. And it’s just another excuse used that allowed for me to waste so much time. I will actively seek and be open to new relationships, as well as friendships.
- Stand on my own two feet. I need to move out. I need to prove to myself and to everyone that I am not a flake. This is something that often weighs on me. I don’t like to be a burden or someone else’s responsibility. And I just need to do me, ya know?
- Be a better dog mom. This may seem silly to some, but I began this blog for a reason; to prove to Chuleta that she is loved and will be missed something awful. Again, I had high hopes and unattainable expectations, including a lot of travel, but the truth is that there are things that I can do that aren’t incredibly expensive. I need to begin doing things with and for her, especially knowing that her health is not peak, as of late. I will prove that she is my ride or die Chihuahua.
Other hopes I have for 2016 include: budgeting my money a bit better, procrastinating less, becoming more organized, taking yoga more seriously, finding more volunteer opportunities (after I find an actual job, of course!), making more of an effort with people, traveling, moving out, and reading every day. As you can see, I have, again, set the bar, too high! I hope that I am up for the challenge. I need to become better at taking personal responsibility, I think. As my beloved Morrissey says, “So, the choice I have made/may seem strange to you/But who asked you, anyway?/It’s my life to wreck my own way.”
What are some of your resolutions for 2016? Do you make them or avoid them like the plague for fear of failure? Let me know!