I don’t throw hashtags around lightly, kids. Yesterday, having spent the day with soon to be, extended, step family, I do feel Thanksgiving: #Blessed. It was a welcomed respite from the usual holiday celebration in that it was rife with laughter and warmth (and food). Social anxiety took hold of me, but I somehow managed to force myself to work through it and I’m glad that I did. I was very fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend the holiday with such lovely people.
I have come to yet another crossroad in my life. When I look at the future objectively, it is exciting and I feel hopeful, but from tomorrow and the next day leave me racked with fear and doubt. Being sick, all I want is an opportunity to get better, but no one tells you that choosing to focus on your health, which is of paramount importance, comes with the risk of losing everything else you have fought so hard for. I did not want to be in this position, again, and everything was going so well, until it wasn’t, and now I am where I was before, only without a safety net and it scares the hell out of me.
I’m sorry to be so cryptic. I am 28 years old and this blog sounds like the ramblings of a teenager. I feel like one. All I want is that sense of autonomy that comes with financial stability, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. At least, not yet. In spite of my degree, in spite of my skills and abilities, in spite of my need to feel productive, so long as I am living here and sick, I am under someone else’s thumb.
But to that vein, I am lucky to have someone’s thumb to rest beneath. I know this, in spite of how frustrated and angry I become for life having dealt me such shitty cards, repeatedly. It could be worse. (It could be fucking better, but lord knows it could also be much worse.) So I will continue to try, in spite of being so tired and losing faith in most people and things. I will fight until I can no longer keep my eyes open. It will take a concerted effort, but I want to be able to recognize my blessing outside of being prompted by a holiday like Thanksgiving or even the Christmas season. Wish me luck!